Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
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I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
I’m just playing devils avocado here
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.