water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
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9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers