Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
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[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
He’s dead
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”