oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
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Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*