It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
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If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Birds & Planes.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place