Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
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*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
“The Perfect Relationship”
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
As the Lord intended
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *