If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
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Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”