“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
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There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
#MeanwhileInCanada
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
No, I don’t think I will.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up