me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
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I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
How to draw a duck
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.