Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
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My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…