In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
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I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
😲 WTF? 😆
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*