oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
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“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.