Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
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My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t