coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
You Might Also Like
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
saw this in a dream
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.