Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
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need a new bf mines broken 😐
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal