“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
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Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Your secret is safeish with me
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice