I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
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4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*