Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
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The options really are this bad
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
No. He’s not coming out to play
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.