In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.