My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
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Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling