[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
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I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Me, flirting😏
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.