Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
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Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?