*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
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Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Finally!
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
SF is the wild wild west man
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”