I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
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1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Hank is one in a melon.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed