“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
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Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”