fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
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kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
What if all the cashiers are married?
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun