May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
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Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Remember folks 😂
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
he chose this
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.