The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
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Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Siri, fight Alexa.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Two types of dogs.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”