My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
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[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
secret recipe
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?