I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
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Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?