I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
You Might Also Like
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?