Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
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This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did