send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
You Might Also Like
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
My dog learned how to text
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.