I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
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a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Growing up was a huge mistake
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.