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Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
This is me 🤣🤣
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Poetry is my passion
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
These dogs look like they have good credit.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side