*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
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*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now