Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
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Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
they split up moments later
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP