LOL
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Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
mmm onion ringos
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*