BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
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“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
What in the hipster hell is going on here