Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
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In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
The point of your 20s
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..