My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
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Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.