I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
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Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Just as the prophecy foretold
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.