The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
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“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.