“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
You Might Also Like
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
The only equipped I am is ill.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs