For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
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I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray