In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
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police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
life finds a way
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
The only equipped I am is ill.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.