“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
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Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.