getting groceries
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Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?