At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
You Might Also Like
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
“our sushi is very fresh”