Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
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” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Baking is just science you can eat.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!